A better view into the past

I bought a new printer scanner today..I should have known that the one I've been using for four or five years was so outdated. This was the first picture I ever took of Jim. He got used to me and my camera pretty quickly.

Labor Day,1976   Mystic Seaport

missing you

the house

.

I'm really missing my Goodman lately.All this potential construction stuff makes me itchy. Whenever he planned to do something with hammers or saws he would send me out of town for the duration. All I ever had to do was come home and admire his handiwork. I am spoiled rotten.

Jimmy loved his work, especially before he became a supervisor, when he got to design and build the projects.  Nothing was impossible.

Our house is full of his touches, built-in bookcases, my beautiful sewing table,  all the decking, windows where there were none. He put a bathroom in on the main level because my Mom had trouble climbing the stairs.

I've been troubled lately about handling the responsibilities that would have been his. The thought of hiring someone to do the things left undone gives me the kind of anxiety that leads to paralysis, but some of this stuff can't wait.

Babe, I'll do the best I can to NOT get us ripped off. I will consult the hell out of this job and not throw it to the lowest bidder.

the line

Jimmy & Jake '87

Jake and Charlie dropped by for a visit yesterday. The continuity of life and love continues to amaze me.

Jake & Charlie 3.1.15

Baker Street Winter

We moved into the cottage in Mohegan Lake just in time for a half foot of snow.
We quickly discovered that there was no insulation in the walls and the furnace barely worked.
Jim installed both a wood burning stove and a gorgeous fireplace..without consulting the landlord. We were Freezing!
I cleared the tiny front porch with a saucepan and Jimmy did the cars with a broom.

for my valentine

carmel

Colin is cleaning out the garage..seriously. These were in a box along with the trophy.


Messages of love continue to arrive.

sadland

I don't live there anymore, but I can find myself there without warning.

I can choose to go inside or sit with my back to the cool stones and  think about how blessed we were, how very lucky, so many ways, for so long. To remember the good times, the laughter, the music and the love.

I close my eyes and the wise gatekeeper, a handsome fellow with brown eyes, winks at me and says "Busy yourself babe. There's time enough, in time."

play

I read someplace recently that a man playing, really playing, with his kids is sexy.

Well, duh. Where do you think they keep coming from?

summer 77 ...because Jake asked me to keep going.

I'll have to get with Rob and ask him where this was. Some biker thing in Middletown I think. It has to be around the time of our wedding because this same girl was Rob's guest at the wedding. Despite the "yeah, yeah keep yapping, woman" look on Jimmy's face he was listening to and remembering every thing I was saying. It took a while for me to learn that about him. I could get away with nothing.

As long as love allows

I've decided to close this blog with our beginnings because there's no end to love. Thanks to all the friends and family who have been so kind and compassionate all these months.

Sometime in the spring of '76 he left this on the windshield of my car because he knew I needed a hug but couldn't give me one. 
He kept on tryin'.

By Christmas the same year, we'd made our plans to spend our lives together.

Between these two events, love caught two people by surprise. The Knight rescued the damsel from the ogre's castle. They taught each other the dance of life and lived happily ever after.

12.25.76

A little more Christmas Past

Christmas

Christmas was always a very special day for us beyond the secular and religious holiday. It was the day we declared our love for each other, the day we made it official. Jimmy said "It might be Jesus' birthday, but this is Our day."

This is our first married Christmas at the shack on Baker Street. We spoiled each other with silly things and toys. I have no clue who took this picture.

A robe fit for a king for him and a "practice" little monster for me. Lots of new music for both of us. Posters to color. books. crystals, tools, tarot cards and other magical things. We were each other's child this year.

For dinner,  a surprise. He hung a sheet over the doorway to the kitchen so I wouldn't know what he was up to. Then he hand breaded and fried an entire pound of popcorn shrimp because he couldn't get any large ones.

There were a few that were pretty dark and crispy but I loved every one of them because of all the love and trouble he went to.

Live from NY...another Saturday night.

Another singular talent and voice lost to us. This song was one of Jim's favorites.

We saw John Sebastian perform this song live at the Westchester Dinner theater, another magical, musical evening. His band was stranded in a snowstorm somewhere and he came out and played alone and charmed all of us.

I wonder how many people remember what a big deal Saturday Night Live was back in the day? If we went anywhere on a saturday night, we had to get home in time to see what the hell was going to happen next.  The live show was sometimes a car wreck. I clearly remember watching this episode with Jimmy and declaring that he, Joe Cocker and John Belushi all used the same hairdresser. He agreed.

Jimmy was one of those guys who had many more bad hair days than good ones. Long hair was a lot of work, hence the ever present bandana.

No matter, I always thought it was sexy. It was a bigger shock to me than Jim when he decided enough was enough and cut it some time between Colin and Jake. Long or short, he always let his freak flag fly.

Thanksgiving 2012

This was our last Thanksgiving together spent at Missy's Dad's house in the north Georgia mountains.

The kids had just announced their engagement and Don and Jim did what fathers of the impending bride and groom do - congratulate each other on the smart choices their kids were making.

We had a wonderful time at a  Southern style picnic Thanksgiving.

Yesterday, Bob Ivey, our host at this years Thanksgiving celebration, made  the remembrance of our lost loved ones part of the blessing and I was deeply moved and grateful.

a year later

It was just like this a year ago, the morning Jimmy left us. November rain and tears.

I've been ducking this post. I could spend hours trying to be eloquent and only come around to the same essence of the thing, how much he has been, and will continue to be missed.

I know that Jimmy admired my strength and independence, but he was always there ready to hand me his bandana and hug me when he knew, often before I did, that I would cry over something and he would not tease me for it. I know he would give me free pass this day.  He was my husband, my friend, my heart and soul, and I will miss him until we begin again.

Service

Jimmy had to get parental permission to enlist because he was not yet 18.  He was very proud of his service in the 82nd Airborne.

Imagine the mindset of a seventeen year old  back then; the Vietnam War was winding down, but still - Jumping out of perfectly good airplanes any chance he got. Ever the thrill seeker!

This was at jump school graduation. We were married just about three years after this picture was taken and I know that if sport parachuting hadn't been so damn expensive he would have been pulling me out of an open plane door except for the fact that my mother lied to him and told him I had a heart condition. I don't. I have the heart of an ox with an odd beat is all. It was her heart that she was worried about. He never told me any of this until many years had passed.

Saving the best for last

Jake & Missy's wedding  Nov. 2, 2013

He was so happy to make it to their wedding and be well enough to enjoy it. From the  first diagnosis making it to this celebration was his goal. 

Celebrations

In 2008 we went to New York to celebrate my parent's fiftieth wedding anniversary.

We had a wonderful time. I wish I remembered more beyond the fact that I accidentally turned my hair orange.

Jimmy said "Thank God it's almost Halloween." and the private jokes about the carpet not matching the drapes.

Event horizon

Rehearsal BBQ  11.1.13

While I was driving through the dark this morning to spend the day with my grandson a very fine piece of music came on the radio and ahead, the horizon started showing signs of blue as I drove into the sunrise, still an hour away. Everyone else was heading in the other direction, headlights blazing. I was grateful for my life on a handful of levels all at once
.
I had a birthday the other day. It's the last of the special days, the holidays to pass since we lost Jimmy. A day does not go by that I don't miss him and cry, but then I stop myself and remember how, whenever I thanked him for something – and the opportunities to do so were endless – he would say “My pleasure” and I got to thinking how he honestly took great pleasure in making me happy; doing little things for me, bringing me unexpected treats, little, simple and inexpensive but so full of thought and consideration.
No matter what you believe, or not, about an afterlife, I know that our lost loved ones live on in our hearts and we owe it to their lasting, loving memories to take pleasure in the smallest things that we can still experience. To love life.

As I appreciate that coming dawn, smell the fresh morning air, and hold Charlie cuddled close I know that everything and every moment that I cherish, is a result of the life and love that I spent with Jimmy. A long time ago I wrote that “...after all, his heartbeat is mine too.” My pleasure is still his.

So, those of you who might find yourself alone and in despair, find small ways to be good to yourself and take pleasure in life. Your darlings would have it no other way.