I wrote this post back in the spring..somehow it never got posted. Nothing has changed.
They
say that in time, in time the hollow space will become smaller.
Yesterday
I went out to do a few errands; stuff that could have waited, but I
needed to drive with the windows down. There is a convertible in my
future, no doubt a used POS but still, a rag top.
I was
out for a while, stopped here, there, missed an exit and wandered
around for a while, as always, but after a few hours I began to
feel like I had forgotten something, that something was missing.
Then
I realized that it was the phone call. No call from Jimmy checking up
on me, making sure that I was OK, asking me to pick something up -
really it was just an excuse to hear each others voices, these phone
calls.
My friends made fun of me sometimes, but the best friends just
accepted that no matter where I went or what I was doing, Jimmy would
be along for the ride. I missed him awful yesterday and had to sit a
while and cry and remind and convince myself that he was
with me heart and soul. I am beginning to fully accept crazy as a
valid state of mind.
I heard the soundtrack for this before I saw the movie and Colin was right - Jimmy had a direct hand in picking the music!
The first house we lived in was on Baker Street in Mohegan Lake, NY. A very seedy little converted summer cottage on a street with more of the same. We didn't have much, but we had some bitchin' big speakers and rocked them day and night.
Every payday, Jim would go to the record store and bring home four or five unlikely items from the dollar bin. I clearly remember him flicking the shrink wrap off of "Blue Swede" and putting it on the turn table.
When the "Ooga-chaka-ooga-chaka" came booming out of the speakers we cranked it up high and bounced around the living room until the record skipped and the neighbor across the street started screaming that she was going to call the police. As there was no contraband nor rebels in the crawlspace that week, we opened the windows and played it again only louder.
He also bought an album called "The Big Whakoo" including "Love is the Sweetest Amnesty", an acapella ballad so beautiful I wanted it for a wedding song, but we didn't have that kind of wedding. That same day also brought us Ian Matthew's "Tigers Will Survive". These last two were favorites for both of us all these years. It was a very good Friday in the dollar bin and we only got a friendly warning.
And now the "Awesome Mix" from the Guardians of the Galaxy is just making my heart smile, all of that music taking me back in time.
Love is the sweetest amnesty
Floats like a cloud between the sky and sea
I'll give it to you
Could you please give it to me
Now we can talk,now we can see
If we disagree we do it honestly
Let our lovin' be the sweetest amnesty
Love is the sweetest amnesty
Given by the power that let us be
I'll give it to you
Could you please give it to me, 'cause I need you
Now we can talk, now we can see
If we disagree, we can do it honestly
Let our lovin' be the sweetest amnesty
Between you and me
There's bound to be love and rejection
Our spirits dressed in mystery
Speak solely through affection
Love is the sweetest amnesty
Floats like a cloud between the sky and sea
I'll give it to you
Could you please give it to me
We can talk, we can see
If we disagree, we can do it honestly
Let our lovin' be the sweetest amnesty
Let our lovin' be the sweetest amnesty
The sweetest amnesty
The sweetest amnesty
I wonder how many New Yorkers have had to let all their fond memories of the Twin Towers fade away in the face of the devastation and sorrow of 9-11?
What a small thing our personal memories are. And yet, they remain. I am sure there were a lot of romantic dinners, proposals, maybe even wedding receptions held at Windows on the World over the years. It had just opened when our romance began.
Jimmy had a worker's compensation hearing at the WTC and we spent the day together in the city. A native New Yorker, tall buildings were no novelty to him. Even these, but this country girl was impressed.
We were standing at a bank of of windows looking out into the hazy summer view when I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the other tower was coming in and then out of my line of sight. It took a moment to register that I was seeing that both towers actually moved a good bit from side to side with the winds.
When I figured out what I was seeing I almost jumped out of my skin and was queasy. Jimmy laughed and pulled me away from the windows and said
"Just breathe." We had already been on two dates where he learned about my propensity for throwing up- the Teacup ride at Playland and again at a carnival when the operator reversed the Ferris wheel. He was so sweet about it.
He was right. I splashed water on my face from a drinking fountain, felt better and we headed for the elevators, but he had another idea. He pulled me into one of the local service elevators and hit the stop button. We never even thought about whether there were cameras in the elevators - these were innocent times and we were in love.
I got a spiritual kick in the pants from my darling this morning.
"It's all about the work."
I was scurrying around doing the last minute things to make ready for a gallery hanging. Three fiber art pieces that I finished over a year ago are getting strung up as I write this.
That out of the way, I thought I deserved clean sheets and flipped the mattress and down behind the bed, found another stack of anniversary and birthday cards from Jim, some with notes inside. All of Hallmark's best efforts were rarely enough for Jimmy.
So, I get it babe. As much as he was all about his work, there was balance. Time for family and fun, too.
I'm thinking he wants me to push myself to find the time to do it all and not let go of making visual art. At the very least, I'm going to make a greater effort to see that pieces already done get out of storage and onto some walls somewhere.
And I'll keep pushing on with the book, even as I step up to being Nana for Charlie. I can hold a baby in one arm and a pen in the other.
Stranger Angels are coming into our life at every turn and I know who is sending them our way.
Thank you darling.
I could almost quote him "It ain't about who or what you are. It's about what you make or do for others that matters."
Those beautiful brown eyes hold true. (Since I first posted this, Charlies eyes have begun to drift toward blue but the jury is still out. He has also starting to reveal his grampa's fabulous dimples.)
I'm going to be babysitting our grandson today for the first time. I hope I will always have the amazing patience that Jimmy always had for both boys. I used to watch him with them and always had the feeling that time was standing still, with love.
Jake is going to have some big boots to step into sooner than we'd hoped. Missy has developed high blood pressure and her doctor has her contemplating life from a hospital bed for another week or so.
Mother, Father and child are all doing well under the circumstances.
We..bring bananas, puzzles and wait.
I struggle with my emotions knowing how tender Jimmy would have been with his grandson.
He was such a softy with the babies.
I will have to love this baby enough for the both of us.
We had been married for three years when we agreed that there was more than enough love to go around. The kid could sleep in a laundry basket and not complain and really, how much could they possibly eat?
It amazes me to realize that thirty-four years have passed since I took the first photo. Jim was completely enthralled with Colin and his own elevation to King of our world. He would tell anyone who asked that he cried when he saw his son come into the world; that it was the most amazing experience of his life..this from a man who jumped out of airplanes in the Army.
When we first married, I had no doubt
that Jimmy would be a good father someday; he was the first boy and a
middle child of six kids. There's a supervisory position if I ever
saw one.
This was a good thing because I had my doubts about my
mothering capabilities. I never planned on having children, much less
marrying, so how fortunate was I to marry a guy who was so at ease
with the most important job in the world.
We had Jim's memorial party here
yesterday and what I heard most from friends and family was what fine
young men we raised, but I have to make sure everyone who didn't know
us as a family, knows what huge role Jimmy played in our son's lives.
I have so many pictures of him doing the typical Daddy things, but
what really mattered was how they saw him be and act and do things in
the world when I wasn't there with a camera.
Jimmy made it possible for me to stay home
and be a full time Mom for seven years and yet I could count on him
to take over parenting if I needed a minute, even as he walked
through the door, tired after a day's work.
And when I did go back to
work full time when Jake was only two, he had full charge and
responsibility for the boys while I worked the second shift. We would high
five and hug in the driveway and I would hand off the conn to him. They never had sitters because they had
their Dad and I never had a moment's worry about them. He loved them
with all of his heart and I know this weekend has been very
bittersweet for them. For all of us.
For those of you who weren't there, when the judge arrived at our house (twenty minutes late) he took us aside and let us know that once he finally found our address he realized that he was out of his jurisdiction. He performed the ceremony anyway, but told us we would have to be at his court the next morning at 8:00 to make everything legal.
So, after a day long wedding and entertaining stragglers until the wee hours, here we are, wrinkled clothes, dead flowers and all. I insisted on the bridal gear, but the judge turned up in a baseball uniform! He was on his way to a game and stampeded through the reading of the ceremony in record time, pausing to ask Jimmy if he had changed his mind since the last time they spoke. "No? Good. I now pronounce you legally man and wife. "
And of course you wanted honeymoon pictures. There weren't many, but this one captures the feeling.
After driving six hours with our dog Shag in the back seat we arrived at a borrowed hunting lodge in the middle of nowhere New York to three days of mostly pouring rain.
We got an urgent call from Jim's boss - (he was needed back due to a death in the boss's family) and we broke camp and returned home.
The honeymoon reconvened the following weekend with a day at the Bronx Zoo and the Botanical Gardens and another at Great Adventures Park in NJ. Epic.
It didn't really matter where we were or what we were doing as long as we were together.
We got all tarted up, invited a bunch of family and friends and a judge over to our house. Traded rings, said the words and partied long into the night.
It's June, our month of celebrations. Jake's birthday is today. I remember so well how calm and confident Jimmy was with Jake.
After the firestorm that was Colin and the five year lull that followed, Jake was a piece of cake for all of us. Contrary to most babies, his first word was "Da"
Neil Diamond has been all over the place promoting his latest album. This morning Jimmy reminded me of this performance during the Grammy awards so many years ago. I was watching it, he was trying to sleep beside me. As Neil and Barbra started to sing, I nudged him "Wake up...psstt. Lookit this. This is HOT...they are way more than just friends...pssst". You Tube is getting to be my memory keeper. one of the commenters was Jimmy: "I remember it like I'd seen it last week. Oh yeah, I did! Miss you dear. See you Friday night. Love ya, Jim"
Despite a productive week at the keyboard and in the studio, I spent a little too much time in sadland this weekend. There are a lot of things pending, paperwork, serious housework - all the usual suspects - and I am footdragging and feeling sorry for myself.
So, time to get over that crap and "git 'er done" and try to do it all with spirit of the guy who would do just aboutAnything to make me laugh.
