music

He hated the music,  but it made him nuts that the lyrics were so perfect.

my inspiration

It's clear to me now that if I'm having problems and having a bad day, all I have to do feel it, be still for a while and  listen to my heart.

The love and good humor that we shared echoes back to me and lifts my spirits;  inspiration returns and solutions appear.








Thank you darlin'.
I know you are going to love it when it's finished.

crazy train

I'm having one of those days where I would give anything just to hear his voice.

I'm also realizing just how much he steadied me and kept me on the rails.

thanks Jody

A mutual friend got in touch with me via FB. She included this photo taken at her wedding. Jimmy and her then husband were close friends.  She says that somewhere there are pictures of us dancing..can't wait to see that landmark event.

This, from the FB exchange:

• Funny, but one of my best friends from my childhood, Dulce, who was at that wedding, I had told her about Jim...and she remembered the two of you from the wedding after all these yrs....she said wasn't he the guy with the bandanna on his forehead and his wife, .. She said the beautiful blond lady..........
• 

  4/3, 7:35pm

  Deb

  That is So nice... that we were remembered together
• 

  4/3, 7:37pm

  Jody 

  Oh yes... you two were a couple that people noticed and remembered.. I guess when you have true love, you really do stand out...

halved

    Twice in the space of a few minutes I have been moved to tears. Maybe because it's been a few days and I have been full of myself lately.

A dear long distance friend addressed me as Mrs. Lacativa, a title and honor that I will always cherish. Then, someone made a reference to the movie "Gladiator". That one, and "Braveheart" were two of Jimmy's favorites;  movies about heroes, love, family, honor and courage, things that were so dear to him.

 Fresh tears and  I am left wondering what becomes of the one who is left when the better half, the best half goes away.  He wanted me to be bold but being bold when no one who matters is looking feels self serving and crazy.  I can do crazy, but is it good for me? Does it serve?

When he knew it was me calling he would answer the phone "This is Jim. How may I serve you?"  It just occurred to me now that I could have quipped "well done" but I never did because he meant it.

Alright, alright, alright!

Jimmy had it before Matthew McConaughey was in sixth grade!

It was my husband who taught me how to relax and have a good time, although he took great delight in teasing the crap out of me when I finally did.  I never got the sense that it was ever anything other than the lovingest kind of teasing.


He would put his hand on top of my head and ask "Why is this head pointy?" This never failed to crack us  both up.  Jimmy loved his fun and I felt him laughing at/with me the whole week I was in Florida.

let them eat cake

No, he did not push cake in my face, but I put my face in the big leftover piece the next morning. (I found the missing picture)

-

First, a card before the trail. The World is drawn and she shakes her head. No way is she ready for this.

The music plays and the rhythmically challenged woman is trying to tango in a straight line down the Spur in Lilburn.

Three bars into the song her feet get it and she's strolling but then, she starts to listen to the lyrics and before it's over she falls apart.


                                               "It's Your World Now"

A perfect day, the sun is sinkin' low
As evening falls, the gentle breezes blow
The time we shared went by so fast
Just like a dream, we knew it couldn't last
But I'd do it all again
If I could, somehow
But I must be leavin' soon
It's your world now

It's your world now
My race is run
I'm moving on
Like the setting sun
No sad goodbyes
No tears allowed
You'll be alright
It's your world now

Even when we are apart
You'll always be in my heart
When dark clouds appear in the sky
Remember true love never dies

But first a kiss, one glass of wine
Just one more dance while there's still time
My one last wish: someday, you'll see
How hard I tried and how much you meant to me

It's your world now
Use well the time
Be part of something good
Leave something good behind
The curtain falls
I take my bow
That's how it's meant to be
It's your world now
It's your world now
It's your world now

(Frey/Tempchin)

good times

In '76 Jimmy's sister Bonnie threw a Halloween costume party at her apartment in Brewster. We went as the Mummy and the bride of Frankenstein.
My costume was a flop, my hair fell in ringlets instead of standing up and my toga was hot pink rayon. But Jimmy's Mummy won us the first prize..a bottle of champagne.

I know he wasn't suffering any kind of misery here, despite his expression. He didn't want all the clay on his face to crack and fall off. It was actually one of those "good for your skin" cosmetic treatments, MUDD. The costume was actually in two parts for necessary reasons.

He went so far as to shave off his mustache and sideburns so the clay would stick to his face and crackle properly. He locked himself in the bathroom, shaved it all off and slapped on the makeup  so I wouldn't see his naked face for the first time...
until the next morning.

     Did he think I was going to kick him out with that face?

home from away

I've been back and forth to NY without Jimmy so often in recent years I didn't think that the place would have such a big impact on my emotional balance but I was wrong. 

Although my family made every effort to make me welcome and comfortable I was constantly uneasy, as if I had misplaced or forgotten something important. Of course, there were the phone calls that didn't come three or four times a day. "It's Jimmy!" they always teased me every time any phone used to ring, even on TV. 

 I met with some dear old friends over lunches, dinners and drinks and we shared wonderful memories.  I couldn't do a lot of driving around visiting old haunts; the weather was Old School Hudson Valley Winter's worst, snow with a coating of ice and temps lingering in the teens and although I liked driving my brother's big GMC truck, driving just for the sake of driving would have been foolish. It was better to be a passenger. I could look out the window and just daydream.

This was the place where we met and courted, came to be loved and trusted by each other's family, had and raised our boys. Here we lived for the first seventeen years of our life together. Haunted?  Happily, forever.

And then there was a trove of photos in the attic that I have never seen. 

My mom was a picture taking fool. If she took ten shots she got two good ones, but she never stopped trying. Thank you Mom.

my valentine

I want to thank everyone who commented yesterday on my FB cover picture.
I couldn't let this Valentine's Day pass by without acknowledging my husband who, despite my protests, always made the day special for me. Hearing from those who knew us together and those who have only known us through the internet was significant, important.

jumping the valentine

I've figured out that my cell phone delivers music just as well as my ancient and hard-to-keep-charged iPod so I've stopped leaving the TV on at night and let the music play. A short story I've been working on for a week or so has been eluding me, but last night the whole thing just unfolded. I woke up wrote down the sign posts and will have it ready for next week's deadline.

There's no escaping the next great American consumer holiday extravaganza. I've also figured out that these badges are valentines from my husband - each one connected to music in some way; a passion we shared. The quiet, simple pleasure in making each one is proof enough for me. 

Our musical tastes were divergent and there were a few concessions, but it's easy enough to keep your predilections to yourself these days. He didn't expect me to like heavy metal and I rarely inflicted long sets of songbook standards or jazz on him - there was so much else to share and love. 

 We never capitalized that "V" because we did valentines day pretty much all year round. Jimmy never got tired of taking shit from store clerks for buying me flowers for no reason at all. He spent a lot of time picking out cards for me on all the special occasions and I have kept most of them. He kept mine too. I've got stacks. There are thirty eight years of badges in me. No chance I'll run out anytime soon.

Frank

Frank & Jimmy

I got to talk with Jim's dad today for the first time since Jimmy died.  Frank has been ill with a variety of things in the past year and talking with him on the phone was a challenge.  Still, in the last months of his life Jimmy had been on the phone with him often, but I left it to his brother Chris to inform Frank of Jims passing.

He was lucid, kind and generous on the phone this morning and Jake spoke with him for a few minutes as well, letting him know about the baby coming in August.

Tomorrow I'll make a set of prints from the wedding and get them in the mail.

Eleanor, Colin, Frank, Jimmy and Jake...1990 give or take a year

ready or not

I've joined a local meetup for aspiring writers and there's an assignment for the next meeting, which is the day before Valentines day. The assignment is a love story.





This was taken maybe a month after we first met.
My boyfriend at the time kept popping into the living room and snapping pictures with my camera.  I wonder if he understood that he was seeing the future.

Jimmy and I were gone from there before the pictures were developed.

my rock

I could spend too much time looking at pictures of the way we were, way back when all we could think about was either last night or the one that was coming up.

Right now I need this guy - the strong, kind, in-charge guy who knew how to keep things in perspective and got things done.

I'm feeling a little rudderless today, but this face anchors me, gives me hope that I have what it takes.

My card for today, pulled just now, the King of Wands. Of course.

his posse

Can you tell how much he loved being a Dad?

I was going to write a long piece about how good he was at it, but anyone who knew Jim, knew our family, also knew how devoted he was to his boys ; how proud he was of the decent young men they have grown to be.

And now, all that love and pride will be carried forward when Jake and Missy welcome our first grand child into the world come August.

our eyes never change

some direction

I went to bed and cried myself to sleep last night. It happens some days and I just roll with it and wake up looking like I've been mugged. This whole "Happy New Year" thing has left me cold as a bucket of clams.

All the empty hours of my day couldn't tempt me to do anything fruitful. Instead I kept fretting over the future, a pastime that only breeds deeper anxiety. I remember whining to myself "I don't know what to do" without ever even making a list of options. It was a full blown pity party.

After a few hours I woke up and, like the majority of the civilized world, groped for my phone and tried to bring my blurry vision into close focus. Six something but there, under the time, was a little icon that I had forgotten about. 

It was a little tarot app that I hadn't even fooled with since I installed it months ago when Jimmy first gave me the phone. He had to buy this smart phone for his last job and used it two weeks but was so frustrated with it that as soon as he could, he bought a straight forward flip phone and a small digital camera and I gleefully inherited his *$%@! "Stupid phone". 

I poked at the tarot icon and there were several options but the one I wanted was the single card draw - I call it the signpost - a great learning tool and the only real spiritual practice I've had for many years.

The Queen of Wands floated onto the screen and I didn't have to read the description to know that my Angel had answered my question..not what I should do but how I should do it. Boldly. Thank you sweetheart. I will stay tuned. 

The Lives They Loved

The NY Sunday Times magazine runs a feature at the end of each year called "The Lives They Loved". If you go there prepare to lose a lot of time and be deeply moved.

 I don't know if my submittal made the cut, they must receive thousands, but here is what I sent. It was very hard to keep it to the two hundred word limit.

"Jimmy made me laugh and I'm a tough comedy customer.

From the first day we met his mission was to make me happy, to hear me laugh. He wasn't a joke teller – it was all lightning wit and the gift of knowing just which funny bone to tickle. He would whisper something bawdy in my ear just to see me pretend to be a prude all the while peeing myself with laughter.

People were always glad to see or hear from him because they knew that at some point in the conversation there would be genuine laughter. He was a construction superintendent, the guy who is caught between management and labor. He always took pride in his ability to bring everyone around to his way of seeing and doing things. I think they wanted to share in his boundless sense of fun and good humor.

He was a wonderful father to our sons Colin and Jake and I'm so glad that he passed on his amazing gift of laughter to them both. Now, whenever I really laugh at something I hear his booming laughter in my heart I'm sure that he sent that moment my way with his love."  

my personal pirate

This was the very first picture I ever took of my husband. We were both always staring at each other while the other pretended not to notice like we couldn't quite believe what was happening to us.

We took my nephew and Jimmy's little brother Chris on a short trip to Mystic Seaport in CT. Why? Any excuse to spend a night in a motel I'm thinking. Yes, we did let two five year olds split a Foster's Lager -the better to be alone as the two of them snored in the dry bathtub.