Friday, March 28, 2014


    Twice in the space of a few minutes I have been moved to tears. Maybe because it's been a few days and I have been full of myself lately.

A dear long distance friend addressed me as Mrs. Lacativa, a title and honor that I will always cherish. Then, someone made a reference to the movie "Gladiator". That one, and "Braveheart" were two of Jimmy's favorites;  movies about heroes, love, family, honor and courage, things that were so dear to him.

 Fresh tears and  I am left wondering what becomes of the one who is left when the better half, the best half goes away.  He wanted me to be bold but being bold when no one who matters is looking feels self serving and crazy.  I can do crazy, but is it good for me? Does it serve?

When he knew it was me calling he would answer the phone "This is Jim. How may I serve you?"  It just occurred to me now that I could have quipped "well done" but I never did because he meant it.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Alright, alright, alright!

Jimmy had it before Matthew McConaughey was in sixth grade!

It was my husband who taught me how to relax and have a good time, although he took great delight in teasing the crap out of me when I finally did.  I never got the sense that it was ever anything other than the lovingest kind of teasing.

He would put his hand on top of my head and ask "Why is this head pointy?" This never failed to crack us  both up.  Jimmy loved his fun and I felt him laughing at/with me the whole week I was in Florida.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

let them eat cake

No, he did not push cake in my face, but I put my face in the big leftover piece the next morning. (I found the missing picture)

Monday, March 10, 2014


First, a card before the trail. The World is drawn and she shakes her head. No way is she ready for this.

The music plays and the rhythmically challenged woman is trying to tango in a straight line down the Spur in Lilburn.

Three bars into the song her feet get it and she's strolling but then, she starts to listen to the lyrics and before it's over she falls apart.

                                               "It's Your World Now"

A perfect day, the sun is sinkin' low
As evening falls, the gentle breezes blow
The time we shared went by so fast
Just like a dream, we knew it couldn't last
But I'd do it all again
If I could, somehow
But I must be leavin' soon
It's your world now

It's your world now
My race is run
I'm moving on
Like the setting sun
No sad goodbyes
No tears allowed
You'll be alright
It's your world now

Even when we are apart
You'll always be in my heart
When dark clouds appear in the sky
Remember true love never dies

But first a kiss, one glass of wine
Just one more dance while there's still time
My one last wish: someday, you'll see
How hard I tried and how much you meant to me

It's your world now
Use well the time
Be part of something good
Leave something good behind
The curtain falls
I take my bow
That's how it's meant to be
It's your world now
It's your world now
It's your world now

Saturday, March 8, 2014

good times

In '76 Jimmy's sister Bonnie threw a Halloween costume party at her apartment in Brewster. We went as the Mummy and the bride of Frankenstein.
My costume was a flop, my hair fell in ringlets instead of standing up and my toga was hot pink rayon. But Jimmy's Mummy won us the first prize..a bottle of champagne.

I know he wasn't suffering any kind of misery here, despite his expression. He didn't want all the clay on his face to crack and fall off. It was actually one of those "good for your skin" cosmetic treatments, MUDD. The costume was actually in two parts for necessary reasons.

He went so far as to shave off his mustache and sideburns so the clay would stick to his face and crackle properly. He locked himself in the bathroom, shaved it all off and slapped on the makeup  so I wouldn't see his naked face for the first time...
until the next morning.

     Did he think I was going to kick him out with that face?

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

home from away

I've been back and forth to NY without Jimmy so often in recent years I didn't think that the place would have such a big impact on my emotional balance but I was wrong. 

Although my family made every effort to make me welcome and comfortable I was constantly uneasy, as if I had misplaced or forgotten something important. Of course, there were the phone calls that didn't come three or four times a day. "It's Jimmy!" they always teased me every time any phone used to ring, even on TV. 

 I met with some dear old friends over lunches, dinners and drinks and we shared wonderful memories.  I couldn't do a lot of driving around visiting old haunts; the weather was Old School Hudson Valley Winter's worst, snow with a coating of ice and temps lingering in the teens and although I liked driving my brother's big GMC truck, driving just for the sake of driving would have been foolish. It was better to be a passenger. I could look out the window and just daydream.

This was the place where we met and courted, came to be loved and trusted by each other's family, had and raised our boys. Here we lived for the first seventeen years of our life together. Haunted?  Happily, forever.

And then there was a trove of photos in the attic that I have never seen. 
My mom was a picture taking fool. If she took ten shots she got two good ones, but she never stopped trying. Thank you Mom.